I Want Us To Talk! Why This Statement Scares Men To Death!

Yesterday I did something very unusual; I watched the Christian station Family TV. It is unusual for me because I am a committed non-Christian. I have always believed that all tele-evangelists are assholes. The program was Dr. Phil, it turned out he aint no tele-idiot. Not only did the whole thing ended without a mention of Jesus, but I was really entertained. Dr Phil’s show is a trouble shooting forum for married couples.

The topic was varied but one attracted my attention: why do men freak out when a partner or wife mutters ‘I want us to talk!’ what is threatening in this seemingly innocent words?

The show brought memories from my last relationship about a year ago. Gosh! How time flies! The same words used to terrorize me but never once have I tried to unravel the mystery behind this bunch of words. What is the danger in talking? People talk everyday, not least with the same woman who want ‘a talk.’

Or have things changed since I last dated? I think not. I was careful to check the year of Dr Phil’s show after it ended and it turned out to be 2003! I have never watched family TV before but was not surprised that it keeps true to the Kenyan TV tradition of airing very stale programs. And they have the cheek to advertise them weeks before airing as the next hottest thing on screen!

If you are new in this country or a total ignoramus, the Reality TVs you are watching in Kenya are not real time but in fact older than the last dinosaurs that walked the earth. If you watching ‘ So You Think You Can Dance’ , ‘ The X Factor’ , ‘ Last Comic Standing’ or anything, please don’t get out your phone to vote when the MC announce ‘voting lines are now open’, those seasons you watching ended a dozen years ago. The sexy sassy brassy participants you are cheering are now doting grandmothers.

Evolution takes a million years so men are just the same scared lot they were when I left the dating scene or when Dr Phil’s show aired. What make them scared of talks with their better halves?

Dr. Phil take was that men are socialized to be macho and therefore will shy away from pouring out their emotions. His other explanation was that men have fragile egos. Those are maybe western men but partly true for Africans too.

I pondered the whole night trying to figure out what in those words used to scare the balls outta me.

One, men are hardly faithful in their relationships. So, when a partner says ‘I want us to talk’ what you hear is ‘dog, why didchu play me?’ I used to go over in my mind what I have done in the past few days, stuff that chicks have forgotten in ma digs, tell tale signs of a player, undeleted texts that might have given me away and other possible loopholes. When I was sure there was nothing that could give me away, I went to the next possible reason for ‘the talk’ demand.

The other reason could be that maybe the gal was pregnant. That used to make me sweat even in winter. Has this gal set me up? If yes, I will tell her to abort or else we are not in business. If it was accidental, then it means the same thing: abortion. I was hardly ready to buy the diapers or be called daddy. The word ‘daddy’ can give you the heebie-jeebies at a certain age.

What other thing that made the ‘I want us to talk’ statement creepy is my sheer hatred for structured talks. I hate serious boardroom type talks. I prefer the free agenda-less banter. I abhor the seriousness that meetings entailed. If it is a must, I prefer being at the back row where I can play Bricks in my phone or steal glances with stupid bitches or ogle bimbos with low cut tops. A strategy I could not employ with just the two of us in the four walls.

Am almost forgetting, women like talking too much. Men do talk but not as much. Women can bore you to death with lotsa empty talks. It is worse when it is just you and her in the room. Seated across the table staring and you, with blazing eyes looking directly into your eyeballs…that is what I call terror.

Most guys I know hate explaining themselves. Especially when accused. It does not matter whether they are innocent or guilty, trying to explain oneself as a man is fiendishly hard. The only time men cease to be articulate is when they have to do it before a woman. You just wish she could understand without your having to talk. I bet the tough talking politicians on TV wet their pants when their wives throw the ‘I want us to talk’ bomb at them too. Not least because men are the same but because they are cheating bastards .

Another reason why we hate the ‘I want us to talk’ proclamation has to do with skeletons in the closet. Guys have a lot to hide about their past. We lie a lot to cover an ugly past. So when a chick decides it is the ‘can we talk’ moments, your mind races to what she might have dug up.

I never gave in to the talks anyway. I always found ways of evading them. A combination of procrastinations and deceit always did the trick. To date, I don’t know what she wanted us to talk about. Could it be the reason our relationship went kaput? I will ring her to confirm now that the relationship is gone to heaven.

Why do men never ask women for a 'talk'? It is them to tell us but for the moment, they should be advised that ‘I want us to talk’ line means trouble in men’s parlance.