I therefore earned an instant nickname: rat. I remained ‘rat’ for sometime before I could beat every other boy to renounce the name, one by one.
It was not very difficult to subdue all the bullies in that school. It happened that half the population of our school was either a cousin or any other relative imaginable. I come from a large family, my grandpa was married to six wives and my great grandfather had married twelve. We out-ganged everybody else. Besides, I carried a machete that was broken in half in my school bag (if it could qualify as a school bag that is, it was a trouser leg cut and sewed on one end with straps made from the same, copyright belonged to my mom Polina). I remember an incident I tried hacking a teacher (a Mr. Chebole, dunno his whereabouts now) who wanted to discipline me. I became a celebrity for some time for attempting to commit a hitherto unheard-of sin after that.
He didn’t come close, so I didn’t hack him. The senior classes were summoned to catch me but none could dare get close. I was brandishing that weapon like a crazed up villain. After the incident, I simply dashed across the fence to our farm. I quit school for sometime till the whole issue was overtaken by events, namely; football games.
Sorry, I was supposed to be relating my first day in school.
After the assembly had clapped for me( four times for boys and three for gals as per our culture) for passing the admission test, (touching one’s ear with your right hand across the center of your head) we didn’t head directly to class for that day there was a magician coming to our school for a show.
There was a classroom that was larger than the rest and therefore was chosen for the purpose of hosting the event. My mom had given me five bob to be paid as school fees for that year. I was holding that coin, with five corners, firmly in my palm it hurt. The magician, coincidentally, was charging the same. I could not have afforded to miss the magician’s show. So I gave out my 5 bob and entered the hall. I was short, so I climbed to the trusses and perched myself there. (Those classes didn’t have the luxury of a ceiling.)
The dress code of the magician was so outlandish I thought he was a devil or something. He was also too tall in spite of the fact that he was hunched. His hair was made into one long mast atop his head. His tight red and yellow striped pajamas without any opening got me wondering how he put it on and undress himself for bed and if he ever went for a long or short call during the day. He carried a long red bag that was stuffed full to bursting point I could not help images of a python racing in my mind. Maybe he carried one inside there. I was worried what his mom thought about him and whether he actually had one.
Such was the train of thought in my brain that nothing prepared me for his voice. He boomed like a drum-beat. I was so startled I missed a bit of his introduction, all I can recall was a part of his name: professor lugu lugu digi digi dugu dugu, kazuza ,mamae, kalela, uuu- oooooo -guuwaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! He uttered the last word/name with eyes popping out and I thought he was in pain. I have never seen a name introduced with such drama again in my life. I was scared but not quite yet.
He said he had lived in the sea with 7 demons and seven minions for 700 years and he was going to show us 7 shows in 70 minutes!
He grabbed a ruler from one of the pupils and said gururunyaaaaaaaaa as he broke it into pieces with such violence I imagined he hated schooling or rulers in particular. He tapped his balls and repeated the gurururunyaaaaaaaaa seven times and the ruler pieces turned into a hissing green long snake with big yellow eyes. Jesus, that snake was scary.
He picked the snake, cuddled it and sang to it in Swahili. The song was telling the snake, which he addressed as Sea Papa, to bless the show and to please tell the other Sea Papas in the sea of Mombasa to give him strength. The assembled kids were either crying or screaming by then. Suddenly, he fell down in a swoon and the snake slithered into his mouth. He lay still for a moment before his legs jerked and the ruler came out of his ass. The owner of the ruler ran out of the room.
We were all astir by then. I was clutching the truss so tight my hands were sweating. I thought I could faint and fall down but it didn’t happen. Next, the hunchback started foaming from his mouth. He fell down again and from his mouth, he pulled out endless black strings. Putting down the strings, he pulled out a small snake from his python-shaped bag and covered the snake with the strings. He talked in a strange language and the strings changed into a bicycle wheel. He lowered the wheel to his waist and started whirling it round and round on his tiny waist. After a short while, he bent down and picked a boy with his teeth by the bum and held him up as he danced round and round in a circle. I heard the boy called out to his mom; Mary! Mary! Mary! (That boy is now a married man and a good friend of mine). When the boy was released, he jumped out of the window and made a bee line home. His shorts was wet!
Next, he pulled two gals to where he was standing and told them to kneel down. He tore his tight overall in the position of his dick and pulled out two hair strands. He told the two gals to lick each a hair strand and swallow the saliva. They did it. He asked how it tasted and they said it was sweet. After that, he patted the gals’ behinds, took out a straw hat out of his bag and placed it on the behinds of the gals. The hat was full of small biscuits in no time. He told them they have laid biscuits. One gal screamed and they both bolted out of the room. He invited us to eat the biscuits but not a single pupil stepped forward. I was tempted to go for one but I was jittery.
From his bag, he pulled a soda bottle, balanced it on his head and jumped up and down seven times. His mast of hair almost hit me perched on the trusses. After the seventh count, for he had ordered us to count with him, the bottle was full of my favorite soda, Fanta. He drank it in one gulp. In a flash, he disappeared into the bottle and it rolled on the floor. In that instant, I fell /jumped down from the trusses and made for the window. Not a single pupil was left in the hall after that incident and I never got to hear what transpired after that. I simply went home to recover my sanity.
When mom came home that day, I told her the story and she reminded me I had abandoned my schoolbag. I didn’t go for it and had to sell some more eggs to buy new exercise books and my mom got into the business of cutting another old trouser and sewing me another bag.
Such was my first day in school. What a scary affair!
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