Kalonzo Musyoka on TV? Switch it Off to Save on Electricity!

Kalonzo Musyoka on TV? Switch it Off to Save on Electricity!

Blessed are those who don’t own a telly, for they are spared the agony of seeing useless politicians, disgusting televangelists, and a motley crew of people with skewed sense of importance.

I am immensely indebted to the guy who invented the remote control, for without it, I would have longed died from a cocktail of Kenyan TV Poisoning Syndrome and Boring News Related Asphyxia!

Just imagine a news bulletin featuring Kalonzo Musyoka, Maina Njenga, Margaret Wanjiru, Dr. Alfred Mutua, Dr. Owuor, Joshua Kuttuny, Simon Mbugua, Francis Atwoli, Gideon Moi, Paul Melly and Mwai Kibaki! You will faint in your living room. I can bet on that. These are guys with an uncanny ability to get into your nerves.

Add insult to injury by watching an Ariel washing powder commercial, featuring a badly dressed guy and a mob shouting themselves silly ‘Ndioo!’ ‘Ndiooo’. Add to the killer mix an Omo ad with that inane character asking housewives their wash day blues or whatever. If you are watching all these, dial 911 because you are about to suffer a seizure.

Don’t Kenyan TV editors assess the entertainment value of a commercial before airing them? How come the ads I watch on CNN, CNBC, and DSTV etc are very interesting? Did the fellow who created the Ariel and Omo ads get a paycheck? Kenyan TV sucks!

The guys I have listed above don’t deserve a second on our screens as they are either useless or senseless with the most gifted of them exhibiting both qualities.

Kalonzo Musyoka

I don’t remember the last time I watched him, neither do I remember whatever he has gibbered since I was of TV age. As soon as the newscaster says VP Kalo…then pronto! I press ‘off’ on my remote. This guy has a misplaced sense of self importance, a fake ascent and always say nothing worth anybody’s time.

Plain, insipid, flat and colorless. That is what Stevo is.

He is always obsequious and speaks with the interests of Kibaki and the Gikuyu honchos in mind. His loose cannon is always on standby mode to defend unpopular government positions when it is much better to keep quiet. Often times, Kibaki will come out and contradict him. In many occasions, the people who really matter in government force him to eat humble pies but his passion for servility is not dimmed by frequent constipation.

He wields no real power apart from a motorcade. Serves him right, he did not earn it anyway. His mutterings are never an indication of what the government is doing, planning or thinking. Real power rests with the likes of Uhuru Kenyatta. His only way of justifying his pay is by sucking up to Kibaki. This is his idea of serving Kenyans.

He shies away from controversy because he has no spine at all. Neither scheming nor charismatic. Just clean with a neat hairstyle. He and the media think that is the politics we love watching in our TVs.

I would rather watch an advert of toilet paper than Kalonzo! If Kalonzo Musyoka ever becomes the president of Kenya, I will relocate to Siberia.

Francis Atwoli

Mukhisa Kiuyi once remarked that Francis Atwoli has nothing between his ears. Nothing much has changed to our gaudy unionist since then. The grey matter in his head is confined to his hair.

Loud, childish and very audible. Only problem is that the miserable sense in his words is lost in the shouting that is his manner of speaking. His words have the depth of a moron.

I am proud to be jobless and therefore not a member of COTU. You cannot vote for a guy like this and go home to your wife.

He is the only clown in history that can reduce people to tears for the affliction that God sometimes inadvertently visit on us in the name of leaders.

Dr. Alfred Mutua

I am praying that the new constitution saw sense in deleting the position of Government Spokesman. Thank God I didn’t go to school beyond certificate level. If a doctorate degree derives people of the most basic of sense, then I have a valid reason to celebrate my lack of it. Thank you Jesus!

I last watched him when he was trying to ape the Ugandan ascent of pronouncing Migingo. I have since vowed never to watch him again. Never in this life. Heard he was an effective Sunday school teacher, it seems he never outlived it.

Does he still give the inane Thursday briefings? I have a permanent reminder on my phone never to switch on TV on Thursdays lest I stumble on one of his useless press conferences. If he has stopped, somebody should alert me so that I end my TV ban for Thursdays.

This fellow annoys your sensibilities without remorse. He has the mistaken notion that he is a spin doctor. This man cannot qualify to spin for a village elder in Kitui. One of the dangers of being a journalist is covering the likes of Alfred Mutua. I can imagine the pain and horror a journalist undergoes listening to his drivel.

Paul Melly

Yesterday, KTN introduced a story that went like …Standard Group Strategy Advisor… and I knew what was to follow. I switched off my TV and went to sleep.

Apart from a bad case of first language interference or is it first language supremacy/obstinacy (this guy is welcome in any linguistic class as an exhibit of kalenjinization of English/ Kalenglish). I don’t see any journalistic sense in broadcasting what this guy does or says as a news item. He is not newsworthy at all. Why on earth do we have to listen to him? What does a private company’s advisor or anybody has to do with us? Why share your organizational leadership tragedy with the whole country? We have enough screwballs of elected leaders to contend with.

Since KTN is not my paymaster, I don’t want to know what they are planning or not planning to do with their business, delivered to me by one Paul Melly.

(If Paul Melly was to do a fund raiser to undergo a speech therapy, more aid will flow than what you saw in Haiti, this is the only benefit he has earned from his ill-advised appearances on KTN)

It is a bad strategy to show us Paul Melly, I recommend that he be fired for poor strategies.

Maina Njenga

This guy is obviously newsworthy but undesirable. He is a killer. Period.

Kenyan courts have a reputation for loving murderers. Cholmondeley (this guy has a horrible name, I can be excused for missing out on the spelling) and Maina Njenga embodies this strange love.

What do the families of the thousands of people who lost and continue to lose loved ones to the killer mob that Maina Njenga heads; feel watching this hoodlum on TV? He claims to be saved but which fool can believe him. Ndura Waruinge was once baptized but where is he now? The illegal money Mungiki extorts from Kenyans are sweeter than the church benches.

Did Maina Njenga confess his sins? Did he, like Zakayo of the bible return his Mungiki wealth to the public?

I am shocked by all the attention this guy is getting. Mzee Moi has started this year on a very false note. Imagine hosting this guy for a rally in Eldoret in the name of peace? What does Maina Njenga know about peace? He is the high-priest of blood and massacre.

TV stations should be preaching against criminals like Maina Njenga rather than brainwashing us. I was shocked that even Raila Odinga had the time to visit him when he was in prison.
The justice system has failed us in this country, the leaders have failed us and the media is playing along like a faithful mongrel.


Dr? Reverend? Hon Margaret Wanjiru

A house girl turned televangelist turned politician. A rare metamorphosis. It is not a mean feat by a long stroke. She even carries a ‘Dr.’ before her name. I wonder what the citation for her doctorate was. But this is not the reason why I don’t watch her.

Kenyan standards, she is cute. Throwing her weight around shouting inane sermons, denying her husband when his sons look just like him, baptizing murderers and sluts are just what pisses me off about her. Recently, she has become the Mungiki spokesperson and that is what is driving me nuts.

All televangelists are thieves and pests upon an honest society. How she manages to attract those crowds to listen to nothing and pay for it baffles me. Is it a pointer to the miserable national average of intelligence in this country? I fear yes.

Prophet Dr. Owuor

I heard this guy with dread locks in the wrong position has a doctorate. Of what, I don’t know. This fella should just shut up and spare us his stupid prophesies and outbursts about fellow thieves who steal not with a gun but with the bible. Prophesies went with Jesus. This guy must be having a strong juju. Even Raila Odinga fell into his spell! Raila is an intelligent guy but when he goofs, he goofs big time.

I cannot be baptized by a guy who looks and acts like that schizoid whom Jesus cast out his demons unto pigs.

Gideon Moi

The money and the name should have propelled this guy beyond having to take refuge in a family owned media establishment to get an iota of coverage. He is obviously in the wrong career. Who can remember what Gideon Moi has ever said since he was plucked from oblivion to be an MP by his father?

From the undeserving limelight that KTN and Standard condescends to him, I glean that he is on a mission to revive KANU or something of the sort. This guy hardly can express himself and his father should just free him from politics. With his flawless English, he can make a good newscaster. Only and only then will I watch him with rapt attention.

I would rather watch Kalembe Ndile and Bifwoli Wakoli than Gideon Moi

Mwai Kibai

The only time I watch this fellow is when he is announcing a new cabinet or a cabinet reshuffle. Now that he has refused to do it, then I have never watched him again. I am quite pleased with the directive that the press can only cover him on invitation. It makes rarer his rare chances of gracing my TV screen.

Kenyans, we have the most boring president in the world! Thank God he is laid back, aloof and indifferent. The only time I am proud to be Kenyan is when I imagine the number trophies our beloved president can win on this score.

Where is Lucy Kibabi, this woman makes better news than her husband.

Joshua Kuttuny

The people of Cherangany Constituency are a lucky lot because they are spared visits by their MP who has since earned himself the most coveted position as the official Personal Assistant of Hon William Ruto. He distributes air tickets and whatever fellow MPs need to accompany William Ruto all over the country.

Good enough, few own TV sets and cannot suffer the anguish of watching their MP speak a funny language that cannot be expected from somebody on the wrong side of 30, leave alone an MP.

The media should do us a favor by not doing any story on this guy. Just because he also doubles up as a self declared spokesman for William Ruto does not mean we love to hear him blabber about his love for him.

I bet Joshua Kuttuny has a picture of Raila and Ruto plastered on separate sides of his bathroom wall. Before bath in the morning, he kneels before Ruto’s picture and sing praises to him for thirty minutes. After bath, he faces Raila’s picture and punch him as he curses him for another thirty minutes. Come the rallies and he repeats his bathroom antics, an ode for Ruto and diatribe for Raila.

Simon Mbugua

He plies the same trade with Kuttuny in the same version. Outlandish in dress, 5’4 above the ground but unlike Kuttuny, he is not responding well to the fattening regime. Uhuru Kenyatta is the proud owner of this poodle. But beware, he fights and bites the same journalists who are bringing him to our living rooms against our will.

The Kenyan electorate is generally a very creative lot but Kamukunji takes the life time award. From Joe Nyagah to Simon Mbugua, who will begrudge them the title?

TV has long terrorized me and I regret buying the set. I was happy without it. Is there any other terrorist that the Kenyan TV visits upon you that I haven’t mentioned above? Be sure to pen him/her/it down here!